I sat down to write to you tonight after putting our little girl to bed and an email from a beloved client awaited me in my inbox.
She shared the story of her son's death 3 years ago tonight, which was the first time I learned that she had lost a child.
I read her words and felt warm tears streaming down my cheeks as Anni, clearly not asleep, yelled, "Mommy!!!!" rattling the gate in her doorway.
I traced this mama's words with my mouse and read them again and again...
"I learned that unconditional love, total forgiveness and the present moment is all there really is."
And with that, the gate crashed on the floor and my daughter's little footsteps came pattering down the hallway toward me. She burst in to the room and I turned to her, teary-eyed, and put my arms out as she leapt in to them.
I held her tight, my tears falling in to her hair as she clung to me.
My stomach turning in to a knot as I grappled with the tidal wave of grief that this mama, any mama, has had to endure in losing one of her babes.
I don't know why it was Travis' turn to leave what feels like way too early.
And I also I don't know why his mama and I found one another the way we did, just like I don't know what made you choose to join me on this journey.
But what I do know is how incredibly grateful I am to get to hold space in the lives of others in this way....and how incredibly grateful I am for the fact that the fertility treatment worked and we got to be parents...and how incredibly grateful I am for the heartaches that helped me recognize how blessed I truly am.
That I have been given the sacred opportunity to share my heart with yours and connect with women who allow me the gift of sharing in their deepest truth, their hopes and their dreams.
And together, here we are, nestled in to the life that's happening all around us.
Stretching and growing in the midst of the tragedy and the triumph that is happening every single day.
This unpredictable, imperfect journey that we get to share in side by side.
This life that we get to choose to live despite not having any clue what the outcomes will look like.
Tonight's letter is from my heart to yours.
Tonight's letter is for Travis' mama.
Immortalizing her brilliant and important words learned from the unimaginable for me and for you.
"I understood that his life was exactly what it was meant to be and he chose me to be his Mom, so I must be able to live well through it."
On this full moon October night...
I am reminded and humbled by the majesty of our moments...the unremarkable reality and the blinding brilliance of everyday.
The moments we want to fast forward in order to get to the other side of our dreams and our pain.
I wish for you all you've ever wanted...
Limitless and loved beyond measure.
And the courage the be the song.
"When nightmares come,
keep you awake,
babe close your eyes,
I'll take the weight,
but I go to speak,
I will refrain and be the song,
just be the song.
when inner scars,
show on your face,
and darkness hides,
your sense of place,
well I won't speak,
I will refrain and be the song,
just be the song." (Foy Vance)
From my heart to yours, thank you for being *here*.