I had one of those mornings yesterday, where the tears just started rolling.
There was no apparent reason I could attribute it to, I just felt a deep sadness rolling in the way a storm does on a warm summer afternoon on the water.
This dark + stormy version of myself was uncomfortable and I immediately wanted to attribute it to something - pms, the silent mourning process that parenting brings, missing dear friends and loved ones - or, if I was being honest, the slow, burning state of overwhelm enveloping my life that was now leaking from my eyeballs.
The piling on of too many decades of striving, the exhausting mental acrobatics of existing in a society that is built on a foundation of scarcity, competition and patriarchy. The ticker tape scrolling on the walls of my brain exclaiming the words: "Be more. Do more. Push more!"
I'm an expert player at this shell game existence I've been trained in.
One minute I'm body shaming, the next I'm telling myself what a rotten mother I am and before I know it, I'm on to my business and how it's absolutely ridiculous to want the things I say I want when I can't even handle what I've created in the here and now.
I so desperately want to blame someone or something...and...yet, it's easiest to blame myself.
Because we've got all the endless dirt on ourselves: the Achille's Heel, the deep dark secrets, the cold, harsh reality that I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time.
Except, I know none of that is actually true, is it?
Something inside of me steels against these biting words and lies I've been telling myself for so long.
If I'm really being honest, I know exactly what I want.
And the sheer wanting of it is what's most terrifying.
Because when I know how badly I want to be a mother again, or to build my business to the level I have envisioned for so long, or finally finish the book, there's a chance it might not end up quite like I've imagined it.
And in that moment I find myself gasping for air, until I breathe in deep, and slow and steadily...and remember, that it absolutely won't end up exactly how I imagined it...
Because it's going to be ohhhh so much better...
I could have never imagined what hearing my daughter's first cry would sound like when she was born, or how loud and fast my husband's heart would be beating in his chest when he held me against him after I said, "yes!" through many happy tears, on the day he proposed to me, or even what it would feel like when my very first client of all-time asked if she could hire me and I nearly jumped out of my seat and simultaneously knew this was the spark I needed to walk away from my corporate career.
None of these details and physical experiences were part of my dream, yet they're the first things I come back to when I relive those sacred moments in time.
And what I've learned from this is...
To stand firmly planted in our truth...to be who we really are...we must give ourselves permission to want what our souls have been whispering to us.
So my one request for you, sweet reader, is that today, you carve out some time to get honest and answer this one epically important question:
What do I really want for this precious life of mine?
Break out the pen + paper.
Hit reply and type it to me.
Voice record it on your phone.
Do yourself a favor and go on the record with your own desire.
Tell the truth and don't edit yourself.
The pathway to true fulfillment, joy and contribution is first found in meeting our own needs.
Are you on the pathway to your dreams or are you taking a detour?
Let's hop on a strategy call to get you on the road to soul fueled success.